Oliver doesn't seem to be getting a whole lot better - he's not holding his adjustments like we had hoped.
I had a lesson a couple of weeks ago and the whole time Christan was saying “don’t you FEEL that?” and I didn’t feel a thing. Made me feel like a real idiot – she didn’t, but the fact that I couldn’t and the fact that she was getting exasperated with the fact that I couldn’t feel anything made me feel less than stellar. I think it’s because I’m so used to any gait irregularities he has that I don’t notice anything unusual.
Argh. With all of this, I’m going through some serious motivational issues right now. Greg worked on him and said that after the 5th time or so, he has a good idea of how they’re going to be and if they’re going to make any more significant improvement. Well, this next time will be the 5th time (April 2). He’s not holding the adjustment and he keeps torqueing his hips to one side, which prevents him from truly swinging up underneath himself and pushing off evenly with both hind legs. What worries me more than anything is that I’ll get spun from the dressage because he’ll appear to be “off”. Greg said that it would really depend on the judge. This is very disheartening. It makes me not want to do a recognized show because I don’t want to get spun after dressage for a “lame” horse. Can you see where this is going? It makes me not want to show at all anymore. The real problem is that I absolutely adore Oliver, and don’t want to sell him and try again, this time with an extremely thorough vetting.
So I guess that leaves me with a very well-bred trail horse. Not even competitive trail horse, because he might get spun at the vetting. Just a plain old, ordinary backyard trail horse. I know I’m being pessimistic and overreacting right now, but this is sort of the way my mindset has been these past two weeks. And yes, it’s affected my desire to actually go out and ride. I’d rather ride my bike, which doesn’t go lame. It also doesn’t whinny at me and come trotting over for a head rub.
Christan was REALLY tough on me during my lesson. I mean tough, and even a little bit mean. She wanted me to jump a rolltop oxer out, roll back and then jump through the in and out, go out around the tree and roll back to a vertical plank, and then take a bending line to an oxer. I did a beautiful jump over the rolltop, panicked slightly about the “in” in the in and out (which is typical – I have this fear that if I don’t get in correctly, the out will ride badly), rode the “out” nicely, and then promptly forgot to roll back around the tree to the plank and just sort of cantered along aimlessly. She chewed me out for that one, saying that I had to start focusing more. I told her that I got rattled by the bad jump in, and told her why combination fences scare me, and she then pointed out to me that even though I had messed up the “in” every single time, I still managed to ride the one stride out without a hitch. I still don’t know why in and outs bother me. She also said that I had to really start to buckle down and get fitter by riding more and not just doing one or two circles and then taking a break – not fair, as I haven’t been doing that at all. I get out there and have started really pushing myself and Oliver longer and harder without a break, doing more concentrated work for a shorter period of time, but Christan doesn’t see that. However, she is probably reacting to the fact that I’m overweight and tend to turn red quickly, but I wish people would stop thinking that just because I’m overweight, I must sit around and not do anything athletic and that’s why I’m carrying a few extra pounds (well, maybe more than a few). Part of the reason I’m breathing harder these days is because of all the pollen flying around – I wake up short of breath and go around most of the day feeling a bit tight in the chest. I know that the pain in my left leg is partly due to lack of fitness on the horse, but there’s also something wrong with me physically that’s causing this pain, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Christan says I need to see Greg, but with Emma and Oliver both seeing Greg, I can’t afford to have him work on me, too.
Anyway, Christan did say that I’m riding better than ever before, and that is why she is being hard on me – because I’m capable, but I’m so, so discouraged about everything. I know I should stop making excuses for myself and just shut up and ride, and I do enjoy my rides, but I keep worrying about Oliver. C says I shouldn’t, because she said that if I gave her Oliver today, she’d take him Novice tomorrow and not think twice about it.
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